If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want; just stay in the line so we can trace your call
If you are maniac-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press; no one will answer
If you are delusional, please be aware that the thing you are holding to the side of you head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
(Okay, so its not really new, but I just found a clipping from the International Herald Tribune tucked away in a book I haven’t read for years, so its still kind of fresh)